


Tracks Of My Tears

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-25
Updated: 2005-08-25
Packaged: 2019-05-30 23:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15106592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of theWest Wing Fanfiction Central, a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in theannouncement post.





	Tracks Of My Tears

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Title: Tracks Of My Tears  
Author: Suzette  
Rating: PGish  
Spoilers: Noel  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I am poor, please don't get upset.  
Note: This is Toby and Josh, so if that upsets you, don't read it.  
  
**Tracks Of My Tears by Suzette**  
  
It was after midnight when Josh let himself into his   
apartment. He was tired, emotionally as well as physically. Still,   
underneath his exhaustion was the feeling that maybe, just maybe he   
was really going to survive the shooting that had almost taken his   
life. He had been healed physically for awhile, but emotionally he   
finally admitted to himself, he had been walking a tight rope without   
a net. 

The meeting with Stanley today had proven just how on edge   
that he had been. It also proved how much he had been lying to   
everyone about his being okay. Hell, he had even lied to himself!   
The whole time he had been telling Stanley that he had cut his hand   
putting down a glass he had almost convinced himself.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, huh? He had always assumed   
that you had to have went through a war to have PTSD. Then again,   
isn't that pretty much what he had gone through? All he had to  
do was close his eyes and he could replay the entire scene again . . .   
and again and again. Isn't that what Stanley had been talking   
about? He needed to reach the point where he could think about the   
shooting without reliving all the feelings. He could really do   
without remembering the feel of the bullet entering his chest . . .   
the feeling of drawing in a breath and still feeling like he was   
suffocating. God, who was playing music at this time of night?   
Didn't they know . . . no of course they didn't know. No one  
else   
heard the sirens; no one else tasted the adrenaline, no one else . . .  
Josh wasn't sure if he was happy that his memories were being   
interrupted by the knock on the door. Oh, he was happy to escape   
from the memories, but if that was Donna coming back to give him   
another round of rules about how to handle the cut on his hand, he   
wasn't sure if he could avoid strangling her! He really  
appreciated   
all that she had done, but this was getting ridiculous!  
"Toby?" Josh asked confused as he opened the door for the   
White House's Communications Director. "What are you doing  
here?   
Did something happen?"  
"Well," Toby said shuffling the feet he was staring intently   
at before he looked back up at Josh. "I was thinking that maybe   
uhhh . . ."  
"Toby?" Josh asked with a slight smile. "Are you  
checking   
up on me?"  
"So what if I am? You are the Deputy Chief of Staff and   
therefore it is important that you be healthy emotionally as well   
as . . ."  
"Toby, would you like to come in?" Josh interrupted with a   
wry grin. "I was about to pour myself a drink."  
"A drink would be good." Toby said as he walked into the   
apartment.  
"So," Josh asked as he handed Toby bourbon on the rocks,  
"How   
was your day?" Josh motioned Toby to sit down and make himself   
comfortable.  
"It was a day." Toby answered. "How was yours?"   
Looking up   
to see if Josh would really answer the question.  
"Well, I found out that I was crazy . . ."  
"That's just because you're slow, we've all known  
that for a   
long time." Toby answered with his usual sarcasm.  
"It must be catching then, cause I'm not real sure about any   
of the senior staff's mental health . . ." Josh said trying  
to   
continue the vein of humor, but Toby was having none of that.  
"Maybe that's because we were all shot at like targets in a   
shooting gallery." Toby exploded and then looked repentant  
realizing   
that he had come to offer Josh support and not to make matters worse   
with his frustration.  
"Toby . . ."  
"No Josh. We have all been stepping around the issue that   
some men took loaded rifles and fired at all of us because Charlie   
had the audacity to date the President's daughter who is white.   
The   
President was shot; you were shot because of their intolerance. I   
cannot just ignore it any longer! You almost died Josh. You almost   
died sitting there leaning against the cement; you almost died in my   
arms . . ."  
"Toby . . ." Josh didn't know what to say. He could  
hear the   
anguish in the other man's voice and he was at a loss as to what  
to   
do. He knew that he had been in pain since the shooting, but he   
really didn't think that anything phased Toby. Yeah, he had  
heard   
about Toby's ranting about the second amendment, but he  
didn't   
realize that it went this deep.  
"No Josh. I need to say this. You can throw me out if you   
want, but I need to say this." Toby said, his eyes examining his   
drink like he had never seen anything like it before. "It was  
like   
the shooting happened in slow motion. I knew that they had gotten   
the President away and I saw Leo get into a car. I checked on CJ and   
Sam, but I didn't see you. I asked Charlie if he had seen you  
and he   
told me that you had gotten into the car with Leo, but I knew that   
wasn't right. I called your name and then I saw you leaning  
against   
the cement. I thought that you were just being, I don't know  
what I   
was thinking, but it never occurred to me that you had been shot.   
Then I stood in front of you and I said something about calling you   
and then I saw you holding your chest. I remember calling for help   
and you falling into my arms and I remember thinking that you could   
die and I would never have told you . . ." Toby trailed off, lost  
in   
the memories of that horrible night.  
"Never told me what Toby?" Josh asked amazed suddenly at  
how   
much Toby's answer meant to him. Josh had always thought that  
the   
other man was annoyed by him or at least that Toby didn't approve  
of   
the way that Josh had conducted his life and work. Suddenly Josh was   
seeing that Toby did care about him.  
"Never told you how much I care about you." Toby said still   
talking into his drink. "Never told you that . . . that . . . I  
Love   
You."  
Josh was dumbfounded. Yeah, he knew that Toby was bi-  
sexual. It had never really been a secret during the election or   
afterwards, but he never realized that Toby thought of him that way.   
Josh had never allowed himself to think of Toby in that way. Okay,   
that was sort of not the truth. When he had first joined the   
campaign in New Hampshire he had looked and had a couple of   
fantasies, but after getting to know Toby he didn't think he had  
a   
shot and had pushed the thoughts aside. Now Toby was here telling   
him that not only did he have a shot, but that Toby was in love with   
him.  
"Josh? Josh?" Toby asked worriedly. "Are you okay?   
Do you   
want me to leave? I realize that you have probably never thought of   
me that way, but . . ." Anything else Toby had to say was stopped  
by   
Josh's fingers on his lips.  
"Toby, I don't want you to leave. I am just a little blown-  
away by this. I just never realized that you felt this way. Just   
give me a minute to wrap my brain around the whole situation."  
"Josh, it's okay if you don't feel the same way. I just   
needed to tell you how I feel. I've been fighting with myself  
since   
the shooting and the past couple of weeks I've been worried about  
you   
and here I am, going on and on in your living room in the middle of   
the night. Maybe you were right about the senior staff's mental   
health." Toby finished very quietly, which Josh knew meant that  
Toby   
was a little embarrassed about what he had said.  
"Toby, I haven't allowed myself to feel that way. I have   
pushed aside any feelings that I might feel for you because I thought   
that they had no chance. To hear that you love me, well that makes   
me pretty happy. As for the last couple of weeks, well I guess you   
could say that I am not dealing so well with everything that has been   
happening to me lately. I started flashing back to the   
shooting . . . remembering getting shot again."  
"It happened at the concert didn't it?" Toby asked  
quietly  
"Yeah. According to Stanley, that's the shrink that Leo   
brought in, when I hear music it is like sirens to me and I flash   
back to that night."  
"So," Toby says sarcastically, "of course I bring in   
musicians to play everyday in the White House."  
"Toby, you had no way of knowing what was going on."  
"Well, I should have. I should have seen what was going on,   
I should have known somehow."  
"Toby. There is nothing that you could have done. This is   
something that I have to work out for myself. Okay, there will be   
psychiatrists involved as well, but that's beside the point."  
Josh   
says trying to get a small smile out of Toby.  
"Josh; tell me what I can do. I need to do something to help   
you . . ."


End file.
